


The Oppressive Libertarian Dystopia

by galaxor



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-20 23:00:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4805426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxor/pseuds/galaxor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an oppressive libertarian dystopia, a father worries about his daughter's anti-corporate activities.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I promise this is Steven Universe fanfic, though the connection is not obvious until the end.
> 
> I wrote this as a puppet show because that's the medium I'm used to working in. We may even perform this show one day!
    
    
    INT. VICTOR AND MARISOL'S APARTMENT
    
    Marisol, a 14-year-old girl, is sitting on a couch, doing
    something on a tablet.  Victor enters, limping and rubbing
    bruises.
    
                          VICTOR
              Ow.  Good evening, Marisol.
    
                          MARISOL
              Dad, you're back late.  What
              happened to you?
    
                          VICTOR
              Tough day at the office.  They had
              us protecting the offices of some
              company against bread riots.
    
    Marisol helps Victor tend to his wounds.
    
                          MARISOL
              Bread riots?  But there haven't
              been food shortages anywhere in the
              world in like 80 years.
    
                          VICTOR
              Yep, that's true.  Somehow, these
              bruises would feel better if there
              had been actual food at stake.  And
              I certainly would have had more
              sympathy for the rioters.
    
                          MARISOL
              Exactly whose office did you have a
              tough day at?
    
                          VICTOR
              Xedna, the makers of that "Duck
              Pond" app you love so much.
    
                          MARISOL
              Hey, I only play that app because
              everybody else does.
    
                          VICTOR
              So do they.  But I guess you need
              "bread" to upgrade your ducks and
              get custom outfits or whatever, and
              the company was releasing bread on
              a fixed schedule, and then the app
              got too popular too quickly and
              suddenly there wasn't enough bread
              to go around.  Or so someone
              explained to me while they were
              throwing stones at me.
    
                          MARISOL
              That sounds awful.
    
                          VICTOR
              How come you never complain about
              any of this nonsense?  Don't you
              need to impress your friends by
              putting your ducks in tophats or
              whatever?
    
                          MARISOL
              Well...
    
                          VICTOR
              Yes?
    
                          MARISOL
              I actually play the version with
              unlimited bread.
    
                          VICTOR
              There's a version with unlimited
              bread?  Then what the heck was the
              point of all those stones they were
              throwing at me?
    
                          MARISOL
              Well, the unlimited version only
              lets you share with other people
              who have the unlimited version...
    
                          VICTOR
                    (Gravely)
              Marisol, are you playing a cracked
              version of this?
    
                          MARISOL
              I know how to cover my tracks, dad!
    
                          VICTOR
              How stupid can you be?  We've
              talked about this.  You know that
              stuff violates the terms of service
              on the cloud.  You could get us
              kicked off the cloud!  And then
              we'll get listed and we could lose
              our apartment, or our health
              insurance, or anything!
    
                          MARISOL
              I'm careful, dad.
    
                          VICTOR
              You're gambling our lives, here. 
              For what?  So you can see a drawing
              of a duck dressed like a pirate?
              I'd say that qualifies as pretty
              darn not careful.  Not careful at
              all.  Please, please stop doing
              this.
    
                          MARISOL
              Listen, dad, it's not about the
              ducks.  Don't you think there's
              something wrong with this world?  A
              company that sells drawings of
              ducks shouldn't be able to kick us
              out of our house.
    
                          VICTOR
              Be careful.  This is like how those
              terrorists talk.  We don't want
              them to think we're talking about
              anything that violates the
              Acceptable Use Policy.
    
                          MARISOL
              We're not on the cloud right now,
              dad.  We can talk about whatever we
              want.
    
                          VICTOR
              I mean the apartment's Acceptable
              Use Policy.  Plotting terrorist
              activity definitely violates that.
    
                          MARISOL
              Well I'm not trying to plot
              terrorist activity!  I'm just
              trying to tell you my feelings!
    
                          VICTOR
              I just think we should be safe.
    
                          MARISOL
              That's what everybody always wants
              to do.  And look where it's gotten
              us.  You're afraid to talk to your
              daughter.  The safer people play
              it, the more things become
              dangerous.
    
                          VICTOR
              Please, Marisol.  If the voice
              recognition hears you say stuff
              like that, we might get flagged.
    
                          MARISOL
              Whatever, I'm going to my friend's
              house.
    
    Marisol strides to the door.
    
                          DOOR
              Thank you for using the Pathway
              Services Concierge Pro model door. 
              Please allow me to assist with your
              transportation options.  Would you
              like to hire an autonomous car from
              Zippy Speedpros?  Whether economy,
              luxury, or utility, Zippy Speedpros
              can match you with a car that's
              right for your needs.
    
                          MARISOL
              No, I'll walk.
    
                          DOOR
              Confirm sidewalk fee of 15 coins?
    
                          MARISOL
              Confirm.
    
                          DOOR
              This sidewalk is owned and operated
              by J&M Construction.  Do you agree
              to the terms of service and
              acceptable use policy?
    
                          MARISOL
              Yes.
    
                          DOOR
              Thank you.  Have a great trip!
    
    Marisol exits.
    
                          VICTOR
                    (sighing)
              I'd like to place a call to Luis.
    
                          ROOM
              Certainly.  Thank you for using
              Skylines video conference services. 
              Do you agree to the terms of
              service and acceptable use policy?
    
                          VICTOR
              Yes.
    
                          ROOM
              Thank you.  Placing call.
    
    Hologram of LUIS appears.
    
                          LUIS
              Hello?
    
                          VICTOR
              Hey, Luis, how are you?
    
                          LUIS
              Better than you!
    
                          VICTOR
              Yeah, those rock throwers had it in
              for me for some reason.
    
                          LUIS
              Oh, you didn't see?  Someone posted
              an Achievement on you.  Throw three
              rocks at you, get a medal.
    
                          VICTOR
              I hate that app!
    
                          LUIS
              That's just because I have more
              Achievements than you.
    
                          VICTOR
              Well, congratu-freakin'-lations.
    
                          LUIS
              Look, I love reminding you how much
              better I am than you, but you're
              lookin' a little more down than
              usual.  What'd you call about?
    
                          VICTOR
              It's my daughter.
    
                          LUIS
              Kids can find all kinds of trouble
              to get in!
    
                          VICTOR
              I'm just concerned that she is not
              being safe.
    
                          LUIS
              Uh oh, is she gonna get pregnant?
    
                          VICTOR
              I wish it were that simple!  No,
              it's - well, I can't really talk
              about it over the phone.  Or in the
              apartment.  Or on the sidewalk.  Or
              at a bar.  Or anywhere, now that I
              think of it.  Terms of service,
              y'know.
    
                          LUIS
              You could always hire a shrink. 
              They're confidential.
    
    Pause, then both laugh resignedly.
    
                          VICTOR
              Insurance payments.
    
                          LUIS
                    (sympathetically)
              Insurance payments.
    
                          VICTOR
              Well, anyway.  Since I can't talk
              about what's actually on my mind,
              can you just say something to cheer
              me up?
    
                          LUIS
              Sure thing, partner.  Did you watch
              Oval Office last night?  The
              president accidentally arranged a
              date with two interns, and he
              couldn't cancel because one of them
              was the one that does his schedule. 
              So he took them to the same
              restaurant and tried to not let
              each know the other was there, but
              it was hard to be subtle about it
              with all those secret service
              agents crawling around everywhere.
    
                          VICTOR
              Wait, I thought the president was
              secretly gay and was arranging
              clandestine hookups.
    
                          LUIS
              No, that was last season, man, keep
              up!
    
                          VICTOR
              I guess I haven't been following
              that show very well.
    
                          LUIS
                    (very seriously)
              Hey.  It's important to keep up
              with politics.
    
                          VICTOR
              I guess I don't want to be seen not
              posting the right political
              messages.  Can you just tell me
              what to post?
    
                          LUIS
              Listen, I'll make a post later on. 
              Just re-share it.
    
                          VICTOR
              Thanks, partner.
    
                          LUIS
              Listen, you've got a smart
              daughter.  Whatever she's up to,
              I'm sure she's safe.
    
                          VICTOR
              You're probably right.
    
    Curtain.
    
    INT. MARISOL'S FRIEND'S APARTMENT
    
    Marisol and ANDY are there.  Marisol is messing with a
    computer.
    
                          MARISOL
              Okay, Andy.  We should be operating
              in untraceable mode now.  Turn it
              on.
    
                          ANDY
              You got it.
    
    ANDY pushes a button.  Hologram of Nora appears. 
    
                          NORA
              Welcome to the secret underground
              terrorist webinar.
    
                          MARISOL AND ANDY
              All right, we got it.
    
                          NORA
              As always, I am Neither-Nora.  I am
              pleased to announce that we have
              over three thousand participants
              today.  But I am sad to report
              that, as always, we are cowering in
              our separate homes, alone or in
              small groups.  When was the last
              time any of you had a real human
              interaction?  And I don't mean
              favoriting each other's ducks on
              Duck Pond.  I would ask when was
              the last time any of you had a
              genuine experience in nature, but I
              know that the answer is never,
              since the last vestiges of nature
              were replaced with factory farms
              some hundred years ago.  However, I
              have a special treat for those of
              you who have attended these
              webinars before.  In the last few
              days, you will have received a
              package that said not to open it
              until now.  Open it.
    
    ANDY fetches package and opens it.  There is a peach inside.
    
                          ANDY
              Wow, what is it?
    
                          MARISOL
              I think I've seen pictures of these
              on the cloud before.  I forget what
              they're called.
    
                          NORA
              This, my friends, is a peach.  It
              is a food.  A fruit.  I know you've
              probably had peach-flavored soy
              protein before.  But please, I
              invite you to take a bite of the
              real thing.
    
    Marisol and ANDY take a bite of the peach.
    
                          MARISOL
              Wow.
    
                          ANDY
              That tastes weird.
    
                          NORA
              Welcome to the real world, my
              friends.  This is what we're
              fighting for.  We need to wake
              people up.  To remind them what it
              means to be a human.  Friends, we
              need to get our heads out of the
              cloud, and bring them back to
              Earth!
    
    Marisol and ANDY cheer at this.
    
                          NORA
              And about that fight, we have some
              news from our network.  Friends,
              introduce yourselves.
    
                          MARISOL
              Um...  Hello.  My handle is
              Mariposa.  You should address me
              with 'she' pronouns.
    
                          ANDY
              And my handle is Nandy01.  You
              should address me with 'they'
              pronouns.
    
                          NORA
              Greetings, Mariposa and Nandy01. 
              Tell us what you've found.
    
                          MARISOL
              Okay, so.  We all know that back
              before the last and permanent
              government shutdown, the
              governments of the world controlled
              large armies of autonomous robots. 
              And once the government stopped
              being able to approve funding for
              anything, they couldn't hire
              security to protect them anymore,
              let alone use them.  So most of
              them were destroyed or raided by
              the private security companies we
              have today.
    
                          ANDY
                    (too excited and proud to
                     wait)
              But what if they didn't get them
              all?
    
                          MARISOL
              But what if they didn't get them
              all?  We searched through some old,
              formerly-classified documents, and
              found that there were some secret
              military robot facilities that have
              probably not been found yet.
    
                          ANDY
              These are whole factories and
              warehouses that don't even have
              terms of service!  They're
              completely abandoned!
    
                          NORA
              To make a long story short,
              friends, we have found one such
              place.  All we have to do is go and
              take it.  Once we have it, we will
              have everything we need to get
              people's heads out of the cloud. 
              We will have a physical place where
              people can get together, not bound
              by terms of service, and meet each
              other and talk.  But more
              importantly, we will have a robot
              army.  Most people don't even know
              that the cloud is made of real
              things in the real world - data
              centers!  That is why it's so easy
              for people to forget about the real
              world.  But we will make them
              remember, because when our robots
              destroy the data centers, that will
              be happening in the real world. 
              And they won't have their cloud to
              retreat to.  But we will be
              welcoming them into our warehouse,
              where they can talk about their
              lives without having to worry that
              what they say will affect their
              credit scores and insurance
              premiums.
    
                          ANDY
              Question:  Will anybody be hurt?
    
                          NORA
              Ideally, no.  The data centers
              require little maintenance and are
              usually empty.
    
                          MARISOL
              It doesn't even matter.  This world
              hurts us all, all the time.  If
              someone has to briefly suffer to
              free us all, then that person is a
              hero.
    
                          NORA
              Very good, Mariposa.  I'm giving
              you an Achievement for that.
    
                          COMPUTER
              You have received a medal:
              "Couldn't have said it better
              myself".
    
                          NORA
              And thank you again, to Mariposa
              and Nandy01, for helping us find
              that warehouse, those robots, and
              this world's salvation.  Now let us
              finally meet in the real world. 
              The location of the warehouse is
              being sent to you now.  I will see
              you there, friends.
    
    NORA's hologram disappears.
    
                          ANDY
              Well, I'm excited.  I can't wait to
              check out this warehouse.  Hah, I
              wonder what all the computers are
              going to think when we get there
              and they can't see or hear us
              anymore.
    
                          MARISOL
              Whatever they think, they won't
              think it for long.  If Nora is
              right and that place is full of a
              robot army, then those data centers
              won't last long after we figure out
              how to turn on those robots.  And
              you and I are pretty good at that.
    
                          ANDY
              Right.  But then what happens?
    
                          MARISOL
              What do you mean?
    
                          ANDY
              Won't people be pretty mad when we
              shut off all their apps?  People
              care a lot about them.
    
                          MARISOL
              Don't worry, Andy.  We're helping
              people!  It's just that first we
              have to help them to realize they
              need our help.
    
                          ANDY
                    (unsure)
              Yeah...
    
    Curtain.
    
    INT. SECURITY COMPANY HQ
    
    LUIS is there, doing something on a phone.  VICTOR enters.
    
                          LUIS
              Hey, Victor.  How are you holding
              together after yesterday's bread
              riot?
    
                          VICTOR
              It doesn't matter much, does it? 
              It's not like I could afford to
              take a day off.
    
                          LUIS
              Hey, don't sweat it, man.  It
              should be a pretty light day. 
              We'll probably just get to stand
              around and look intimidating
              somewhere.
    
                          VICTOR
              Oh?  Did that company release more
              bread for their Duck Pond app?
    
                          LUIS
              Nope.  And so, nobody cares about
              Duck Pond anymore.  Now everybody
              is playing Pig Pen instead.
    
                          VICTOR
              Pig Pen?
    
                          LUIS
              Yep.  Check it out.  You've got all
              these pigs, and you can give them
              slop to upgrade them.  You can give
              them custom oinks and custom tails. 
              Isn't it great?  And there's plenty
              of slop to go around!
    
                          VICTOR
              That's great, Luis.
    
                          LUIS
              It sure is.  Check it out.  I've
              got a pig with a mohawk.  It goes
              squee-honk.  Come on, get signed
              up, I'll forward you a couple of my
              piglets to get you started.
    
                          VICTOR
              I think I'll pass.  These things
              make people go crazy and throw
              rocks at each other.
    
                          LUIS
              Come on, partner.  You don't
              comment on Oval Office, you don't
              sign up for Pigpen.  Do I have to
              live your whole social life for
              you?  If you keep on acting this
              way, you're gonna get unfollowed. 
              And what do you think that's going
              to do to your credit score?
    
                          VICTOR
              All right, fine.  How do I do it?
    
                          LUIS
              Just sign on here.
    
                          VICTOR
                    (messing with his own
                     phone)
              It's not letting me sign on.
    
                          LUIS
              Try it again.  I bet you just did
              something wrong.
    
                          VICTOR
              Okay, I tried it again.  It's still
              not working.
    
                          LUIS
              Man, you really are a fuddy-duddy
              about doing things on the cloud. 
              You haven't even used it in so long
              you've forgotten how to even sign
              on?
    
                          VICTOR
              I know how to sign on to the cloud,
              Luis.
    
                          LUIS
              Let me see that.
    
    LUIS looks at VICTOR's phone.
    
                          LUIS
              Okay, now that is weird.  It really
              isn't working.
    
                          VICTOR
              I told you so.
    
                          LUIS
              Hang on, I've got a buddy that's
              really good at this stuff.  Let me
              ping him and see if he knows what
              to do.
    
    LUIS messes with his own phone.
    
                          LUIS
              Okay, this is weird.
    
                          VICTOR
              What?
    
                          LUIS
              The cloud isn't working on my phone
              either.
    
                          VICTOR
              Oh, now do I get to make fun of
              you?  Look who forgot how to work
              the cloud, ha.
    
                          LUIS
                    (quite concerned)
              Quit it, Victor.  This is serious!
    
                          VICTOR
              You're right.  We've usually gotten
              a message from the boss giving us
              our assignments by now.  If they
              can't contact us, we won't get paid
              for today.
    
                          LUIS
              I wonder if this is happening to
              other people.  Let me check a news
              site...  Oh wait, I can't.  The
              cloud is down.  Um.  I don't know
              what to do.
    
    A loud crash is heard.
    
                          VICTOR
              Did you hear that?  What was that?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Huh?  Cloud is down.  No way to
              find out.
    
                          VICTOR
              I'm going to look out the window.
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Yeah.  Maybe if I close this window
              and re-open it...
    
    VICTOR looks out the window.
    
                          VICTOR
              Hey, Luis.  Um, there's a giant
              robot blowing up buildings
              downtown.
    
                          LUIS
              Woah, let me get a video of it. 
              I'm going to get so many followers
              when I post it to... um... How am I
              supposed to get followers with the
              cloud down?  What are you even
              supposed to do when interesting
              things happen?
    
                          VICTOR
              Y'know what, I think that building
              is one of the data centers for the
              cloud.
    
                          LUIS
              That robot is blowing up the cloud? 
              We've got to save it!
    
                          VICTOR
              Hey, let's not go crazy here.  That
              thing looks like it's got a pretty
              big laser on it.  And we're
              supposed to be at work.
    
                          LUIS
              But we're a security company.  And
              if I'm not mistaken, we have a
              standing contract with the data
              centers.
    
                          VICTOR
              Really?
    
                          LUIS
              Yeah.  It's usually boring stuff. 
              Walk down halls with a flashlight. 
              Make sure nobody's in there.  But
              I'm sure they'd want us to stop a
              giant killer robot of doom, as
              well.
    
                          VICTOR
              Sure, but we haven't gotten
              assigned the job.  If we go out
              there, we won't be getting paid to
              get into that fight.
    
                          LUIS
              How are they supposed to assign us
              the job with the cloud down?  I
              think they'd want us to defend
              their stuff even if they can't
              reach us.  It's a standing
              contract!
    
                          VICTOR
              Okay, but assuming we do go and
              stop that robot.  The cloud is
              down.  How are they going to pay
              us?
    
                          LUIS
              I'm sure they'll figure out how to
              pay us when this all gets sorted
              out.  But if we don't stop that
              thing now, it could destroy all the
              data backups.  Then they'll never
              be able to pay us AND I'll lose all
              my Achievements!
    
                          VICTOR
              All right.  Let's do it.
    
    Curtain.
    
    INT. THE WAREHOUSE
    
    MARISOL and ANDY are messing with a computer.
    
                          ANDY
              The encryption on here is really
              outdated, because nobody's been
              maintaining it since the last and
              permanent government shutdown. 
              Exploits have been found for most
              of this stuff.
    
                          MARISOL
              Good.  You start trying to decrypt
              that.  But even with the exploits,
              it'll take some luck.  Meanwhile,
              I'll set up a script to check the
              unsecured portions to see if I can
              find a key that's been encrypted
              with a bad password.
    
                          ANDY
              It's a race!
    
                          MARISOL
              You're on.
    
    NORA enters.
    
                          NORA
              And this must be Mariposa and
              Nandy01.  How are things coming
              along with you two?
    
                          MARISOL
              We don't need our secret handles
              anymore.  You can call me Marisol.
    
                          ANDY
              And you can call me Andy.  But you
              should keep using 'they' pronouns,
              please.
    
                          NORA
              Excellent.  It's so nice to meet
              you in person.  I really am called
              Nora.  So, tell me what you're
              working on.
    
                          MARISOL
              We already set up a mini-cloud with
              just the equipment in the
              warehouse.  We should be able to
              communicate with each other.  Now
              we're just trying to figure out
              what else they've got hidden in
              here.
    
                          NORA
              Excellent work.  A thing to keep an
              eye out for:  There should be a
              fleet of emergency communication
              drones in here.  If we can activate
              those, we can extend our cloud
              throughout the city.  It'll be a
              cloud that we're in control of. 
              And now that my robots have taken
              down most of the data centers, and
              peering centers in the city, people
              will be desperate to use our cloud.
    
                          ANDY
              A cloud that we can make sure stays
              free!
    
                          NORA
              Just keep up the good work, kids.
    
                          MARISOL
              Thanks.  Can do.
    
    NORA leaves.  MARISOL and ANDY return to the computer.
    
                          MARISOL
              And it looks like I'm the winner. 
              I've got a decrypted key right
              here.  It looks like it doesn't
              give us access to that many things,
              but I am seeing something.  It's a
              document about some kind of
              cybernetic experiment they were
              doing in this warehouse.
    
                          ANDY
              Aw, they were experimenting on
              dogs.
    
                          MARISOL
              Testing out neural interfaces and
              grafting robotic parts into organic
              bodies.
    
                          ANDY
              Oh my god, they've got a dog here.
    
                          MARISOL
              What do you mean a dog?  This
              warehouse has been abandoned for
              who knows how long.
    
                          ANDY
              It's one of the dogs they were
              experimenting on.  It's
              cryogenically frozen.  Marisol, we
              have to save that dog!
    
                          MARISOL
              But it's been frozen for so long,
              what if it's brain dead or
              whatever?
    
                          ANDY
              And what if it's not?  Let's go
              find it!
    
    ANDY exits.
    
                          MARISOL
              All right, wait for me.
    
    MARISOL exits.
    
    LUIS enters, carrying VICTOR.
    
                          LUIS
              Can anybody help me?  This is that
              "freedom warehouse", right? 
              Someone help, I've got a wounded
              person right here.
    
    NORA enters.
    
                          NORA
              What is going on here?
    
                          LUIS
              My partner, he was shot by some
              kind of giant robot.
    
    NORA inspects VICTOR.
    
                          NORA
              Shot by a giant robot, you say?
    
                          LUIS
              Yeah, I've never seen anything like
              it.  It was trying to destroy some
              building.
    
                          NORA
              And you were trying to protect that
              building, weren't you?  You're
              private security, aren't you?
    
                          LUIS
              Trying and failing, Ma'am.
    
                          NORA
                    (coldly)
              I'm afraid I can't help you.
    
                          LUIS
              What?  You are just as bad as those
              jerks at the hospital.
    
                          NORA
              Not won't.  Can't.  Look.  He's not
              breathing.  He's got no pulse. 
              He's dead.  Welcome to the "freedom
              warehouse", though.  Make yourself
              at home.
    
    NORA exits.
    
                          LUIS
                    (attempting to render
                     aid)
              Oh, no, buddy.  This can't be it. 
              Come on, partner.  You can pull
              through this somehow, and I'll give
              you so many achievements.
              
    
    MARISOL and ANDY enter.  ANDY is carrying a dog.
    
                          ANDY
              He's breathing.  He's got a pulse. 
              I think he's gonna pull through. 
              We'll get your brain working again,
              little guy.
    
                          MARISOL
              Luis?  Dad?!
    
    MARISOL runs over to VICTOR.
    
                          MARISOL
              What is going on?  What are you
              doing here?
    
                          LUIS
              Marisol, what are you doing here?
    
                          MARISOL
              It doesn't matter.  What happened
              to my dad?
    
                          LUIS
              He was shot by a giant robot when
              we were on a job.
    
                          MARISOL
              Oh no.  Oh no.
    
                          ANDY
                    (rushing to them)
              Why did you take him here?  Why not
              get him to a hospital?
    
                          LUIS
                    (darkly)
              I took him to a hospital.  They
              told me his insurance was denied
              and they weren't going to help him.
    
                          MARISOL
              Oh no.  This is all my fault.  He
              warned me.  He told me to be safe. 
              I thought I was covering my tracks
              so well.
    
                          LUIS
              Marisol, listen to me.  This is not
              your fault.  You're not the one
              that just sat there and let him die
              because some computer told you to. 
              And you're not the one that
              programmed the computer to do that. 
              This is all the fault of those
              awful corporations.  They're the
              ones that did this to him.
    
                          ANDY
              So how did you find out about this
              place?
    
                          LUIS
              Someone heard me yelling at the
              hospital staff about the
              corporations.  They told me they
              thought the same way, and that this
              was a place where people that
              thought this way could come
              together.
    
                          MARISOL
                    (suddenly having an idea)
              I'm not going to sit here and let
              him die either.
    
                          LUIS
              Marisol, there's nothing you can do
              about it.  It's over.
    
                          MARISOL
              No.  Andy, that dog has a neural
              interface.
    
                          ANDY
              You're going to try to save your
              dad by killing that dog?
    
                          MARISOL
              Andy, the dog is brain dead.  My
              dad's body is dead.  And if we
              don't act quickly, his brain will
              be too.
    
                          ANDY
              I understand.
    
    MARISOL and ANDY get to work, hooking VICTOR and the dog to
    computers.
    
                          LUIS
              I don't understand.  What are you
              going to do?
    
                          MARISOL
              My dad is going to live.
    
                          LUIS
              How?
    
                          ANDY
              This dog was some kind of weapons
              experiment by the military.
    
                          LUIS
              The military military?  Like, the
              government?
    
                          ANDY
              Yeah.  They were trying to make
              some kind of cybernetic super
              soldier.  Neural interfaces to
              control machine parts in your body. 
              I guess that was before they
              figured out how to make those fully
              autonomous robots.
    
                          MARISOL
              My dad is going to live.  But he
              will be a dog.
    
                          LUIS
              Your dad is going to be a
              cybernetic super soldier dog?
    
    The dog stands up.
    
                          VICTOR
                    (as dog)
              Woof!
    
                          MARISOL
              Dad?  Dad, is that you?
    
                          VICTOR
                    (as dog)
              Woof!
    
                          MARISOL
              Dad?  If that's you, listen.  Don't
              use your voice.  Your tongue and
              vocal chords are useless for
              talking human.  You have a computer
              speaker implanted in you.  You have
              to talk through that instead.
    
                          VICTOR
                    (as dog)
              Woof!
    
    A helicopter rotor unfolds from the dog's back.
    
                          MARISOL
              Um, I don't think that's it, dad.
    
    The helicopter rotor folds back in.
    
                          VICTOR
                    (as a human)
              Woof?
    
                          MARISOL
              Dad!  You're alive!
    
    MARISOL hugs VICTOR.  VICTOR licks her.
    
                          MARISOL
              Dad, did you just lick me?
    
                          VICTOR
              Yeah.  It seemed like the
              appropriate thing to do.  Sweetie,
              why did it seem like the
              appropriate thing to do?
    
                          LUIS
              You're a dog, partner.
    
                          VICTOR
              I'm a dog.  I suppose that explains
              why I'm looking at my dead body
              over there?
    
                          LUIS
              Oh.  Yeah, sorry about that.
    
                          VICTOR
              I thought I was hallucinating.  I'm
              still not a hundred percent
              convinced that I'm not.  Everything
              looks really weird.  Like the
              colors are all off.
    
                          ANDY
              Um, that's because dogs are
              dichromats, Mr. Marisol's Dad.
    
                          VICTOR
              Call me Victor, son.  If I'm a dog
              now, it won't do to have people
              addressing me formally.  Now, what
              are you talking about?
    
                          ANDY
              Yes, Mr. Victor.  You're using the
              dog's eyes now.  Dogs can't see
              red.  They only have the green and
              blue cones.
    
                          VICTOR
              Marisol, is this person talking any
              sense at all?
    
                          MARISOL
              I guess so, dad.  Andy knows about
              animals.
    
                          VICTOR
              So I really am a dog now?
    
                          MARISOL
              Yes, dad.  I'm sorry.  We had to
              act quick.  It was either turn you
              into a dog or let you die.
    
                          VICTOR
              Well, I don't know how you did it,
              but I'm glad you made the choice
              that lets me get to see you again.
    
    MARISOL and VICTOR hug.  No licking this time.
    
                          MARISOL
              Oh, dad.  I'm so sorry.
    
                          LUIS
              Hey, kid.  Andy?  Why don't you
              help me with this, and give these
              two some privacy.
    
    LUIS and ANDY start to drag VICTOR's body away.
    
                          LUIS
              We're going to go get you cleaned
              up, buddy.
    
                          VICTOR
              I'm too confused to say no.
    
    LUIS and ANDY exit.  MARISOL starts to cry.
    
                          VICTOR
              So, can you explain to me what
              happened?
    
                          MARISOL
              Oh, dad, it's all my fault.
    
                          VICTOR
              That seems ... highly unlikely.
    
                          MARISOL
              I've been talking to the
              terrorists.  And I helped them find
              this abandoned warehouse.  And the
              giant robots were in here.  And
              they activated them.  We just
              wanted to take down the cloud, just
              for a little while, to remind
              people of what's important in life. 
              And I guess it worked for me,
              because when Luis came in here and
              said you were dead, suddenly I
              would have signed any terms of
              service agreement to get you back.
    
                          VICTOR
              So it was your people who sent
              those giant robots?
    
                          MARISOL
              Dad, I was wrong.  I helped them
              find the robots.  I didn't arm
              them, but I might as well have.  I
              knew people might get hurt.  I
              didn't think they would, but I knew
              they might.  But I sent the robots
              anyway.  I wanted to help people. 
              But I realize now that you can't
              help people by putting them in
              danger.
    
                          VICTOR
              But you helped me by putting me in
              danger.
    
                          MARISOL
              I got you killed!
    
                          VICTOR
              But you helped me see that what I
              was doing was wrong.  I was trying
              to be safe.  You were right. 
              Everybody is just trying to be
              safe, and that's how we got to this
              world where corporations can do
              whatever they want to you, and
              people care about cartoon ducks
              more than about the real world.  A
              world that makes some people so
              upset that they have no way to
              express themselves but by burning
              buildings down.  I tried to be safe
              and that's what got me killed. 
              Everybody tried to be safe and
              that's what got our society killed.
    
    NORA enters.
    
                          NORA
              A brilliant speech.  Here, have the
              "couldn't have said it better
              myself" achievement.
    
                          VICTOR
              You're Neither-Nora, the terrorist
              leader.
    
                          NORA
              Indeed I am.  And you are ... a
              talking dog?
    
                          MARISOL
              Nora, this is my dad.
    
                          NORA
              I can't say I see the family
              resemblance.
    
                          MARISOL
              No, he died.  Me and Andy hooked
              his brain up to the neural
              interface of this experimental
              cyber dog we found in the
              warehouse.
    
                          VICTOR
              Although I have not yet ruled out
              the possibility that I am
              hallucinating all this.
    
                          NORA
              Incredible.  Imagine what other
              experimental weapons must be hidden
              in this warehouse.
    
                          MARISOL
              Nora, I'm not going to help you get
              weapons anymore.
    
                          NORA
              Oh?  Why the sudden change of
              heart?
    
                          MARISOL
              We killed my dad!  I don't want
              anybody else's dads to get hurt!
    
                          NORA
              But you spoke so eloquently before
              on the sacrifice that these people
              are making in order to free all of
              us.
    
                          VICTOR
              You did?
    
                          MARISOL
              Yes.  I was wrong.  I want you to
              stop.
    
                          NORA
              I'm going to give you the
              "Turncoat" achievement.
    
                          MARISOL
              No!  Please!  I still want to wake
              people up.  I still want to help
              people live in the real world
              instead of in these vacuous
              corporate fantasies.  I just want
              to do it without hurting people.
    
                          NORA
              This is a revolution, my Mariposa. 
              People are going to get hurt.  But
              it is for the greater good.  Will
              you help, or will you stand in the
              way?
    
                          MARISOL
              I will stand in the way.
    
                          NORA
              Then I will push you out of the
              way.  You and your dog need to
              leave this warehouse.
    
                          VICTOR
              Hold on just a minute.  Are you
              saying that our permission to use
              this place is conditional, and that
              if we say or do something you don't
              like, we're not allowed to be here?
    
                          NORA
              Yes, if you're trying to stop my
              revolution, you can't use my
              warehouse.
    
                          VICTOR
              That sounds a lot like terms of
              service, to me.
    
                          MARISOL
              You're right, dad!  Nora, this was
              supposed to be a place where we
              could be free.  We didn't agree to
              anything when we came in here, and
              this is the last place in the world
              where you can do that.  You want to
              take that away?  You want there to
              be no place in the world where we
              can be free?  It sounds like I'm
              not getting in the way of your
              revolution.  You're getting in the
              way of mine.  What are your
              followers going to think when I
              tell them that they just traded one
              overlord for another?  You better
              have lots of "Turncoat"
              achievements ready.
    
                          NORA
              Fine.  Stay here.  Do whatever.  Do
              you realize that dog dad of yours
              died defending the data centers?
    
                          MARISOL
              He was just doing what people do. 
              We might think he was wrong, but he
              didn't deserve to die for it.
    
                          VICTOR
              Not to ruin the point you're
              making, but I'm not a hundred
              percent dead.
    
                          MARISOL
                    (still resolutely defiant
                     at Nora)
              That's right, dad.  And I'm really
              glad about that, and I love you.
    
                          NORA
              Whatever, just try not to cause too
              much trouble.
    
                          MARISOL
              I can't promise that.
    
                          NORA
              I said "whatever"!
    
    NORA exits.
    
                          VICTOR
              I really want to lick my butt now. 
              Is that weird?
    
                          MARISOL
              I ... don't know, dad.  You are a
              dog, I guess.
    
                          VICTOR
              Yeah, I'm not quite used to that
              yet.
    
                          MARISOL
              I'm sorry, dad.  I tried my best.
    
                          VICTOR
              Oh, sweetie.  You did wonderfully. 
              You are so smart and talented.  And
              thoughtful.  Even though some of
              your ideas didn't turn out so
              great, I'm just proud that you have
              principles and that you've spent
              some time thinking about life.  Not
              a lot of people do that.  Hey, it's
              a good thing I spent that extra
              money to get you a general
              education instead of just sending
              you to that vocational computer
              school, right?  Otherwise, you
              might've wasted your talents making
              the next Duck Pond instead of
              trying to make the world a better
              place.
    
                          MARISOL
              Maybe that would have been a better
              use of my time than getting you
              killed.
    
                          VICTOR
              Yeah, that could have gone better. 
              But still, you could have just done
              what everybody else does, and spend
              your whole life bragging about the
              things you're consuming.  You've
              got ideas.  And your ideas are only
              going to get better.
    
                          MARISOL
              Thanks, dad.  By the way, I didn't
              get all my ideas from school.
    
                          VICTOR
              Hah, I'm sure you didn't.
    
                          MARISOL
              I've been downloading pirated
              books.  Stuff that wasn't approved
              by the corporate curriculum.  I
              didn't tell you becasue I thought
              you'd yell at me.
    
                          VICTOR
              I probably would have.  But I would
              have been wrong.
    
                          MARISOL
              Dad, is it okay if I pet you?
    
                          VICTOR
              I would like that very much.
    
    She pets him.
    
                          VICTOR
              Okay, I think I need to rest for
              awhile.  I'll take a nap and see
              how much of this is real when I
              wake up.  Also, I might like to
              look at some of those illicit books
              of yours.
    
                          MARISOL
              Sure, dad.  You've got a computer
              built into your brain.  I'll send
              them to that.
    
                          VICTOR
              Handy.  Thanks.
    
    VICTOR exits.  MARISOL does computer thing.
    
    LUIS and ANDY enter.
    
                          LUIS
              How's he holding up?
    
                          MARISOL
              Pretty well under the
              circumstances.  Much better than
              people usually do after dying.
    
                          ANDY
              How are you holding up?
    
                          MARISOL
              I'm putting up a brave front.  I'm
              probably also doing better than
              most people do after dying. 
              Listen, I can't be part of the
              underground terrorist network
              anymore.  I don't want this to
              happen to anybody else.  I told
              Nora.  We're not letting her kick
              us out of the warehouse, though.
    
                          ANDY
              I don't blame you!  I was never too
              keen on the "blowing stuff up" part
              of this either.  I just want to
              live free.
    
                          MARISOL
              Then what we should probably do is
              copy all the files we can from the
              warehouse's miniature cloud, in
              case Nora cuts off our access.
    
                          ANDY
              Good thinking!
    
    MARISOL and ANDY exit.
    
                          LUIS
                    (calling after them)
              Hey, you guys.  I don't want to be
              a terrorist either.  What should I
              do?
                    (to self)
              I kinda just want to play Pig Pen. 
              Or maybe Dance Dance.  If there's
              not going to be Dance Dance, I
              don't want to be part of your
              revolution.
    
    ANDY enters, rushing on stage excitedly.
    
                          ANDY
              Did someone say dance dance?
    
    Puppet dance jam!  Bring as many puppets on stage as we can. 
    Including...
    
    NORA enters.
    
                          NORA
              Dancing?  You fools, you're just
              supporting the record companies and
              their oppressive copyrights!
    
    Dance jam continues.
    
                          NORA
              Oh, what the heck.
    
    NORA dances as well.
    
                          MARISOL
                    (to audience)
              What happens next?  Catch the next
              episode to find out!
    
    VICTOR howls.
    


	2. 2 Protect and 2 Serve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a second episode!
    
    
    INT. THE WAREHOUSE
    
    NORA is making a speech, directed at the audience.
    
                          NORA
              Friends, thank you for your
              anonymous donations of food and
              water to the freedom warehouse. 
              Thanks to you, we can stay fed and
              healthy without having to sign
              oppressive terms of service
              agreements to get these necessities
              of life.  And to those of you who,
              for whatever reason, are remaining
              outside the warehouse, beholden to
              corporate whims in every aspect of
              your life:  Don't worry, we have
              not forgotten you.  We want to
              spread our freedom to all of you,
              and we will soon use our robot army
              to strike a blow that will wake
              more people up to our cause. 
              Together, we can take the world
              back, for people, not corporations.
    
    LUIS enters.
    
                          LUIS
              Hey, Nora.
    
                          NORA
              What is it, Luis?  Can't you see
              I'm doing my underground terrorist
              webinar?
    
                          LUIS
              Oh?
                  (to audience)
              Hello, everyone.  Um, I'm not a
              terrorist.  Please don't blow
              anything up.  That's what got my
              best friend killed and then turned
              into a cyborg dog.  Sincerely,
              Luis.
    
                          NORA
              What do you want?
    
                          LUIS
              Oh.  Do you know where my phone is?
    
                          NORA
              What?  Why would I know where your
              phone is?
    
                          LUIS
              Well, I figured since you're, like,
              the big terrorist leader around
              here, you know everything that goes
              on.
    
                          NORA
              Hey, an important part of being a
              leader is knowing when to delegate.
                  (to the room)
              Computer, call Luis.
    
    Luis's phone starts ringing.
    
                          LUIS
              Oh, it's right here in my hand!  I
              can't believe I didn't think to
              look there.  Thanks.
    
    LUIS starts to walk offstage.
    
                          NORA
                    (to audience)
              Anyway, as I was saying, friends: 
              We will wake people up.  We'll get
              them off of their social media apps
              and onto the streets, to fight for
              the people's right --
    
                          LUIS
                    (interrupting)
              Oh, hey, Nora?
    
                          NORA
              What?
    
                          LUIS
              Our connection to the outside cloud
              seems to be down again.
    
                          NORA
              My webinar!  Oh, I know exactly who
              is behind this.  Marisol!  Victor! 
              Get in here!
                    (to LUIS)
              Luis, I'm delegating.  You go get
              those two.
    
                          LUIS
              All right, but not because I take
              orders from you.  I'm just an
              agreeable guy.
    
    LUIS exits.
    
    MARISOL and VICTOR enter.
    
                          MARISOL
              Ah hah!  We took down our outside
              connection again.  And as long as
              you're planning to hurt people and
              endanger lives, we're going to keep
              trying to frustrate your efforts. 
              I can't let what happened to my dad
              happen to anybody else.
    
                          VICTOR
              I'm actually having a great time,
              but I understand that dying doesn't
              usually work out this well for
              people, so let's not let my
              relative health and well-being
              detract from Marisol's point.
    
                          NORA
              Look, this isn't working.  I know
              we agreed to share this warehouse
              even though we have different
              goals, but neither of us is getting
              anything done this way.  Why don't
              you just go back to working with
              me?
    
                          MARISOL
              We don't have different goals.  We
              both want to wake people up and get
              them fighting the corporations for
              their freedom.  We just think you
              can't earn freedom through
              violence.  Why don't you start
              working with us?
    
                          NORA
              Because your whole master plan is
              to stop me from doing whatever it
              is I want to do!  Pretty much by
              definition, I cannot help you with
              that!  Look, I'm going to go sit
              somewhere and think.  Please resist
              the temptation to put a tack on my
              seat and shout "la la la" in my
              ears.
    
    NORA exits.
    
                          VICTOR
              Y'know, she's right.
    
                          MARISOL
              No way!  Putting a tack on her seat
              would be an act of violence!  That
              is unacceptable!
    
                          VICTOR
              No, I mean we don't have a plan. 
              We need to come up with a real way
              to accomplish our goals.  Right
              now, all we have is one way not to
              accomplish them.
    
                          MARISOL
              Hm.  We better convene a
              revolutionary congress.
                  (shouting)
              Hey, Andy!
    
    ANDY enters.
    
                          ANDY
              What's up?
    
                          MARISOL
              We're having a revolutionary
              congress.  We need to figure out
              some steps we can take toward
              freeing the world of corporate
              rule.
    
                          ANDY
              Well, I was thinking we could glue
              Nora's laptop computer lid shut. 
              That way, she couldn't --
    
                          VICTOR
              What she's saying is, we need to do
              something ourselves.  Take positive
              action.
    
                          ANDY
              Well, I could get the glue
              myself...
    
                          MARISOL
              We could glue all the laptops in
              the world shut and it won't help. 
              We need to get people interested in
              participating in the world.  The
              corporations gave us social media
              and reality television to distract
              us while they took control of every
              aspect of our lives.  Now, their
              control over the world is so
              complete that it seems hopeless. 
              Nobody wants to join a hopeless
              cause.  It's so much easier to just
              sign another terms of service
              agreement and take what you're
              being handed.  We need to give
              people something to believe in.
    
                          ANDY
              Like what?
    
    LUIS enters.
    
                          LUIS
              Hey, guys.  Hey, thanks for
              bringing the cloud back online.
    
                          MARISOL
              We didn't do that.  Nora must've
              figured out how to bypass our
              blocks.
    
                          LUIS
              Whatever.  You wanna watch that
              reality show about congress?
    
                          VICTOR
              You mean the news?
    
                          LUIS
              Yeah, it's hilarious!  There was
              this one politician that was saying
              all this racist stuff, and then
              someone pointed out that it was his
              own race he was talking about. 
              Then he tried to act like he'd
              meant to be talking about just the
              people from this one country, but
              someone pointed out that it was a
              made up country from a kids' book. 
              Then he said it was time for unity,
              not divisiveness.  Then someone
              tried to pass a bill and everyone
              shouted at them until they stopped.
    
                          VICTOR
              Hm.  Maybe this is just what we
              need.
    
                          ANDY
              Unity and not divisiveness?
    
                          LUIS
              Reality TV?
    
                          MARISOL
              Shouting?
    
                          VICTOR
              Exactly.  What we need is politics!
    
                          ALL
              Politics?!
    
                          MARISOL
              Andy, quickly.  We need to read the
              specs for my dad's neural
              interface.  His brain is degrading.
    
                          VICTOR
              No, I'm serious.  Look, if we could
              get people to pay as much attention
              to serious ideas as they pay to
              these crazy blowhards, people could
              take the world back from the
              corporations in no time.  Don't you
              think, Luis?
    
                          LUIS
                    (looking up from phone)
              What?  Sorry, I wasn't paying
              attention.  Check out these crazy
              blowhards, though!  This one just
              made a blip: "The real problem is
              people don't want to work.  That's
              why we need to make it harder to
              get jobs."  Where do they get this
              stuff?  It's comedy gold!
    
                          VICTOR
              What do you think, kids?
    
                          MARISOL
              That is going to be hard to compete
              with.
    
                          ANDY
              I think we need to do some
              research.
    
                          VICTOR
              You're right.  Let's go read about
              politics on the internet!  That
              should give us tons of good and
              helpful ideas.
    
                          MARISOL AND ANDY
              Yeah!
    
    MARISOL, VICTOR, and ANDY exit.
    
    LUIS continues to stare at his phone.
    
    NORA enters.
    
                          NORA
              Hello, Luis.
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Huh?  Oh, hello.
    
                          NORA
              Luis, can we have a little
              discussion of where your loyalties
              lie?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Uh huh.
    
                          NORA
              Good.  Listen, when you came in
              here, you were pretty upset with
              the corporations that denied your
              friend's health insurance and let
              him die, weren't you?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Uh huh, yeah.
    
                          NORA
              I noticed that, even though you
              knew it was my terrorist network
              who sent the killer robots, it
              wasn't us that you were mad at.  It
              was the corporations.  Don't you
              find that interesting?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Yeah, uh huh.
    
                          NORA
              So, it would seem that you wish to
              harm the corporations, and aren't
              as vehemently opposed to violent
              methods as your friends.  Would
              that be safe to say?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Yeah, sure.
    
                          NORA
              Good.  So you're with me, then?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Sure, sure, yeah.
    
                          NORA
              Great.  Would you do a job for me,
              then?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Yeah, uh huh.
    
                          NORA
              Great.  In this warehouse, we found
              a fleet of emergency communication
              drones.  They were created before
              the last and permanent government
              shutdown, to provide a temporary
              emergency cloud for rescue workers
              to communicate.  Now that the
              airspace has been divided up for
              business, you can't just fly drones
              around without making all sorts of
              elaborate contracts with all sorts
              of companies.  Their automatic
              defense systems will shoot you out
              of the sky.  But the defense
              systems were built a long time ago,
              and they should still recognize
              these emergency drones and leave
              them alone.  You see where I'm
              going with this?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Yeah, sure.
    
                          NORA
              And you want to be a part of this
              plan?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Yeah, yeah.
    
                          NORA
              Great.  Here's what I want you to
              do.  Find the best place for our
              drones to bomb!  The place that
              will send the biggest message to
              the corporations, and their
              enablers.  Can you do that?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Uh huh.
    
                          NORA
              Perfect!  Oh, it looks like you're
              already doing some research on the
              cloud, right?
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Sure, sure.
    
                          NORA
              Great.  Find it.  Scout it.  Then
              report back.  Together, we can wake
              the world!
    
    NORA exits.
    
    Pause.
    
                          LUIS
                    (distractedly)
              Uh huh, sure.  Yeah.
              Yup.  Yeah.
    
    Lights dim and raise on LUIS as he shifts reading positions,
    to indicate the passage of time.
    
    VICTOR, MARISOL, and ANDY enter.
    
                          VICTOR
              Oh, Luis, thanks for joining us.
    
                          LUIS
              Huh?
    
                          VICTOR
              We've been reading about politics
              on our computers.
    
                          LUIS
              Oh yeah, me too.
    
                          VICTOR
              Great, did you come up with a plan
              for what we can do to stop the
              corporations and the terrorists?
    
                          LUIS
              Um...  I was reading an article
              about how someone let a cat loose
              on the floor of the house of
              representatives, and all the
              politicians gave speeches blaming
              each other for doing it, and the
              cat was briefly elected speaker of
              the house.
    
                          VICTOR
              Hm.  Okay, spreading confusion with
              cats.  We'll keep that in mind.
    
                          ANDY
              Was the cat okay?
    
                          LUIS
              Oh heck yeah.  Have you seen those
              government pensions?
    
                          MARISOL
              I was reading about how the
              old-time Bolsheviks used to
              distribute leaflets urging the
              masses to rise up against their
              oppressors.  And it worked! 
              Briefly.
    
                          ANDY
              Hm.  Distributing non-approved
              leaflets violates the terms of
              service agreement of just about
              every sidewalk.  We'd have to move
              fast, and make sure not to get
              caught.
    
                          MARISOL
              Did you get any ideas, dad?
    
                          VICTOR
              As a matter of fact, I did.  I was
              reading some of your illicit
              non-approved history books, and I
              found a crazy loophole.
    
                          MARISOL
              What's that?
    
                          VICTOR
              It turns out that people can still
              vote!
    
                          MARISOL
              Yeah, of course they can, but you
              have to be a member of the Crazy
              Party.
    
                          VICTOR
              You only have to be a member of the
              Crazy Party in order to vote in the
              Crazy Party primary elections.
    
                          ANDY
              I thought "Crazy Party primary
              election" was just the formal way
              of saying "election".
    
                          VICTOR
              No, there's another election after
              that.  Between the winner of the
              Crazy Party primary and the
              candidates from other parties.
    
                          ANDY
              I've never heard of this.
    
                          VICTOR
              Since nobody else ever runs, nobody
              makes a big deal out of the second
              election.
    
                          MARISOL
              And you can run in that without
              being a member of the Crazy Party?
    
                          VICTOR
              Yes, but nobody ever does, because
              you'd be running against the Crazy
              Party candidate and only Crazy
              Party members ever vote.
    
                          MARISOL
              So, how does this help us?
    
                          VICTOR
              I found an old-fashioned office
              that nobody has run for in a long
              time.  I could run for that, and
              nobody in the Crazy Party would
              oppose us.
    
                          MARISOL
              You're going to run for office? 
              What office?
    
                          VICTOR
              Sheriff.
    
                          MARISOL
              You mean like the police?  You want
              to be the leader of a murder squad? 
              Dad, I thought we agreed no
              violence!  If we were going to do
              violence, we could just join the
              terrorists!
    
                          VICTOR
              No, listen.  I know everybody
              remembers the police as a
              bloodthirsty gang of thugs, but
              that wasn't the idea.  They were
              supposed to be there to enforce the
              rule of law.  The will of the
              people.  Democracy.
    
                          ANDY
              You mean, like how the private
              security companies enforce the
              corporations' terms of service
              agreements now?
    
                          VICTOR
              Sort of.  Except they don't work
              for the corporations.  In theory,
              they work for the people.  People
              could even use democracy to pass
              laws to stop the corporations from
              doing things.  Apparently, that
              even used to happen from time to
              time.
    
                          MARISOL
              So this is your idea of how we can
              have the people overthrow the
              corporations and gain freedom? 
              With ... democracy?
    
                          VICTOR
              Yes.
    
                          MARISOL
              But how would we even get people
              interested in this ... democracy? 
              Democracy won't work if nobody is
              interested in it.
    
                          LUIS
              What you need is a campaign
              manager!  Someone who understands
              social media!
    
                          VICTOR
              Are you saying you want the job?
    
                          LUIS
              I'm saying I already made a
              MemeSpace page for your campaign.
    
                          VICTOR
              So it's settled.  Democracy it is!
    
                          MARISOL AND ANDY
              Democracy!
    
                          LUIS
              Great.  So the first thing to do is
              get out there and pound the
              pavement.  According to legend,
              candidates used to shake hands and
              kiss babies.
    
                          VICTOR
              I can shake, sit, and roll over, if
              that'll help.  Let's get to it.
    
    Curtain.
    
    EXT. CAPITOL STEPS. DAY.
    
    VICTOR and LUIS are standing on the capitol steps, looking
    for people to talk to.  The various strangers will be played
    by hand puppets.
    
                          VICTOR
              I thought you said we'd be pounding
              pavement.  We've just been standing
              here waiting for people to walk by.
    
                          LUIS
              Whatchya gonna do?  Partisan
              campaigning is against the terms of
              service of damn near every place on
              Earth.  Unless we can make a deal
              with someone to do campaigning
              there, we gotta stand here in the
              last place left for politics - the
              steps of the capitol.  And by
              setting foot on the sidewalk, we've
              agreed to the terms of service of
              the sidewalk.  So make sure you
              don't wander over there to talk
              politics.
    
                          VICTOR
              It just seems like a waste of time. 
              We've been standing here for an
              hour and nobody's walked by.
    
                          LUIS
              Don't worry.  The lunch rush will
              start any minute.
    
                          VICTOR
              I guess we don't need that many
              people anyway.  We just need enough
              signatures to get me on the ballot.
    
                          LUIS
              Right!  Easy as pie.
    
                          VICTOR
              How many is that.
    
                          LUIS
              Ten thousand.
    
                          VICTOR
              Ten thousand?!  That does not sound
              easy at all.
    
                          LUIS
              I never could bake a good pie.
    
                          VICTOR
              Oh, here comes someone now.
    
    STRANGER 1 enters.
    
                          VICTOR
              Good afternoon.  My name is Victor. 
              I am a talking cybernetic dog, and
              I am running for sheriff.
    
                          STRANGER 1
              Sheriff?  You mean like the police? 
              Hah, good one.  If there were
              police here, I'd be running from
              them too!
    
                          VICTOR
              No, I'm running FOR sheriff.  I
              want to BE the sheriff.  Can I
              count on your support?
    
                          STRANGER 1
              What?  You want to BE police?  Get
              away from me, you sociopath.
    
    STRANGER 1 exits.
    
                          VICTOR
              That did not go so well.
    
                          LUIS
              I'll put them down as a "maybe". 
              Oh hey, look.  Here comes someone
              with a baby!  The legends are quite
              clear on this:  Kissing babies is a
              very important part of campaigning.
    
    STRANGER 2 and BABY enter.
    
                          VICTOR
              Excuse me, hello.  I was wondering
              if I might lick your baby.
    
                          STRANGER 2
              You ... what?
    
                          VICTOR
              Um.  Oh, sorry.  It's just that I'm
              a talking dog, and licking is how
              we kiss.  What I really meant to
              ask is if I can KISS your baby.
    
                          STRANGER 2
              Hey, buster.  Why don't you keep
              your tongue to yourself!
    
    STRANGER 2 exits.
    
                          LUIS
              I think we're really getting
              through to these people.
    
                          VICTOR
              I appreciate your optimism?
    
    STRANGER 3 AND FRIEND enters.
    
                          VICTOR
              Hello, good afternoon.  My name is
              Victor and I am running for
              sheriff.
    
                          STRANGER 3
                    (screams)
              AAAH!  Police?  Please don't murder
              me!  Please don't murder me!
    
                          STRANGER 3'S FRIEND
                    (to STRANGER 3)
              Come on, calm down.  Don't be so
              superstitious.  Everybody knows
              there's no such thing as police. 
              That's just a make-believe story to
              frighten children.
                    (to VICTOR)
              You are a sick, sick person.
    
                          VICTOR
              ... dog.
    
    STRANGER 3 and FRIEND exit.
    
                          VICTOR
              Luis, are you sure this is really
              going to work?
    
                          LUIS
              Yeah, this is great.  We're really
              getting the "brand awareness" out
              there.  Before long, everybody will
              automatically think of you when
              they hear the word "sheriff".
    
                          VICTOR
              Yeah, then they'll pass out in
              terror.  I don't think anyone will
              be signing petitions here.
    
                          LUIS
              Don't worry.  This is just phase
              one of my plan.
    
                          VICTOR
              Oh, great.  What's phase two?
    
                          LUIS
              Well, the plan is that I think of
              another plan.
    
                          VICTOR
              That doesn't really sound like a
              plan at all, Luis.
    
                          LUIS
              Hey, politics is a dirty game.  You
              gotta think on your feet.  Stay one
              step ahead of your opponent.
    
                          VICTOR
              Our opponent, in this case, is fear
              of the police?
    
                          LUIS
                    (pensively)
              Yes.  We've got to stay one step
              ahead of fear of the police.
                    (to VICTOR, decisively)
              I'll be back later.  I'm going to
              go have an idea.
    
                          VICTOR
              Great.  I'll just keep "pounding
              the pavement".
    
    LUIS exits.
    
    STRANGER 4 enters.
    
                          VICTOR
              Good afternoon, my name is Victor. 
              Let me just start by saying that I
              do not, in any way, want to murder
              you.
    
                          STRANGER 4
              Uhh, great.  How about you do that
              from over there, while I'm over
              here.
    
    STRANGER 4 exits.
    
    We go to fast motion and silent puppets.  Pop hand puppets
    up, Victor talks, they run away.  Indicate the passage of
    time.  Then, slow time back down.
    
    LUIS enters.
    
                          LUIS
              Okay, I've got it all arranged.
    
                          VICTOR
              Got what all arranged?
    
                          LUIS
              Phase two.
    
                          VICTOR
              I thought phase two was you get an
              idea.
    
                          LUIS
              No, that was phase one.
    
                          VICTOR
              I thought phase one was shaking
              hands and kissing babies.
    
                          LUIS
              Phase one ended in me getting a
              plan.
    
                          VICTOR
              That sounds like two separate
              things:  Campaigning here, and you
              getting an idea.  Can we call those
              phase one and phase two, and then
              the idea you've just had is phase
              three?
    
                          LUIS
              No way, we'll run out of numbers at
              that rate!
    
                          VICTOR
              There are as many numbers as you
              could ever want, Luis.  What's the
              point of making these plans into
              phases if you're just going to
              arbitrarily group things?
    
                          LUIS
              Anyway, whatever.  Like I was
              saying, phase three is all set.
    
                          VICTOR
              I thought you said it was phase
              two.
    
                          LUIS
              Change of plans.  Phase two is you
              argue with me about what phase
              we're in.  Phase three is all set.
    
                          VICTOR
              Great.  Does that mean we're done
              "pounding pavement"?
    
                          LUIS
              It's pounded and expounded.  Let's
              go home.  Tomorrow:  Phase four.
    
                          VICTOR
              It's phase four now?
    
                          LUIS
              Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich. 
              So that's phase three.
    
                          VICTOR
              Sounds like a plan.
    
    Curtain.
    
    EXT. AN INTERSECTION. DAY.
    
    Two hand-puppets.  One is a RIOT COP and one is a PROTESTOR
    wearing a shirt with "WTO" crossed out.
    
                          PROTESTOR
              Stop the WTO.  Stop the IMF. 
              People over profits.
    
                          RIOT COP
              Cut it out, you hippie.  Get a job.
    
    Hand-puppet violence.  The Punch and Judier the better.
    
    RIOT COP and PROTESTOR stop fighting and turn to the
    audience.
    
                          RIOT COP
              Thank you all for coming to the
              Historical Reenactment Society's
              portrayal of the 1999 WTO protest,
              also known as the "Battle in
              Seattle".  And, for those of us who
              remember and re-enact famous police
              battles, we have a special treat: 
              Since we already have a permit for
              political speech, we have with us
              an actual candidate running for
              sheriff.
    
    RIOT COP and PROTESTOR exit.
    
    VICTOR enters.
    
                          VICTOR
              Good afternoon.  Thank you for
              letting me speak to you today.  My
              name is Victor and I am seeking
              signatures for my petition to run
              for the office of sheriff.
    
    AUDIENCE MEMBER (hand puppet) enters, dressed like a cop.
    
                          AUDIENCE MEMBER
              You monster!
    
                          VICTOR
              What?  Oh.  No, I'm not a monster,
              but I can see how you might make
              that mistake.  What I am is a
              talking dog.
    
                          AUDIENCE MEMBER
              No, what you are is a psycho!  It's
              all fine and well to play-act as
              police officers.  But we do that to
              remember their senseless violence
              and brutality, so that it might
              never happen again.  We're not
              trying to celebrate it.
    
                          VICTOR
              Uh ...  Tough crowd.
                    (to LUIS, stage-whispering)
              Hey, LUIS, what do I do here?
    
    LUIS enters.
    
                          LUIS
              You're doing good, champ.  Keep it
              up.  Phase two!
    
    LUIS's phone rings.
    
                          LUIS
              Oh, hang on, I'm getting a hologram
              phone call.
                    (to phone)
              Display.
    
    NORA enters, as a hologram.
    
                          NORA
              Luis, did you find the place yet?
    
                          LUIS
              What?
    
                          NORA
              That place you were researching. 
              Did you find it?
    
                          LUIS
              Oh, yeah.  The place is the police
              re-enactment society festival!
    
                          NORA
              Of course.  What a good plan.  That
              will really send a message!
    
                          LUIS
              Yeah, I'm hoping a lot of people
              will get the message.
    
                          NORA
              Thank you!
    
    NORA disappears.
    
                          VICTOR
              What was that about?
    
                          LUIS
              I dunno, I guess she wants to come
              to your speech?  She better hurry,
              though.
    
                          VICTOR
              Right.  Actually, let me get back
              to speaking now.
                    (to audience)
              Ahem.  Sorry for the distraction. 
              Listen, these are the things we
              remember the police for, but the
              police were supposed to protect
              people.  And that's what I want to
              do, as your sheriff.
    
                          AUDIENCE MEMBER
              But it was the police we needed
              protection from!
    
                          VICTOR
              We've learned the lessons of the
              past.  As sheriff, I would make
              sure that the police would be the
              solution, and not the problem. 
              That they would serve the interests
              of the people.  There's a lot we
              need protection from.  Greedy
              corporations, for example.
    
                          AUDIENCE MEMBER
              You're going to protect us by
              beating us over the head with
              sticks?
    
                          VICTOR
              No.  Listen --
    
    An explosion.
    
                          VICTOR
              What was that?
    
    Armed drones fly onstage.  Another explosion.  Audience
    member flees.
    
                          VICTOR
              Luis, did you tell Nora to send
              attack robots here?
    
                          LUIS
              That doesn't sound like the sort of
              thing I'd do.
    
                          VICTOR
              But is it the sort of thing you
              did?
    
                          LUIS
              Well, IF I did, it would have been
              an accident.
    
    Another explosion.  LUIS flees.
    
                          VICTOR
                    (to self)
              Hm.  Marisol said I have all sorts
              of cybernetic powers because this
              dog body was a military experiment. 
              Let's see if I can activate any of
              them.
    
    A helicopter rotor unfolds from Victor's back.
    
                          VICTOR
              Aha.  Now I can take the fight to
              them.
    
    VICTOR flies in the air with the drone.
    
                          VICTOR
              Let's see what else I've got.
    
    VICTOR activates some kind of weapon.  The drone explodes.
    
    As VICTOR lands, AUDIENCE MEMBER enters.
    
                          AUDIENCE MEMBER
              Wow!  You really did protect us! 
              Hey, everybody!  Victor for
              sheriff!  Everybody sign his
              petition!
    
    AUDIENCE MEMBER exits.
    
    LUIS enters.
    
                          LUIS
              I got the whole thing on video and
              posted it to MemeSpace.  It should
              be a lot easier to get those
              signatures now.
    
                          VICTOR
              Hey, everybody!  Victor for
              sheriff!
    
    As many hand puppets as we can muster pop up.
    
                          HAND PUPPETS
              Horray!
    
    Curtain.
    
    INT. POLLING PLACE. DAY.
    
    VICTOR, LUIS, and MARISOL are standing next to the voting
    booth.
    
                          LUIS
              All right, this is the big day,
              buddy.
    
                          MARISOL
              Good luck, dad.  I hope you win!
    
                          VICTOR
              Well, I'm running unopposed.  The
              only way I could lose is if I get
              literally zero votes.
    
    VOTER enters.
    
                          VICTOR
              Hello, vote Victor for sheriff.
    
                          VOTER
              Ugh, no way.  I only vote for the
              Crazy Party.  You big-government
              east coast intellectuals are what's
              ruining the government!  Just look
              at how ineffective congress is.  We
              gotta take the government back. 
              That's why I only vote Crazy Party.
    
                          MARISOL
              When was the last time there was an
              actual big-government east coast
              intellectual in the government?
    
                          VOTER
              Well, it's still ruined from last
              time you were there!
    
    VOTER exits.
    
                          MARISOL
              I'm not sure these people even know
              what their words mean.
    
                          LUIS
              I gotta say, though, the Crazy
              Party does make for some pretty
              good reality television!
    
                          MARISOL
              Maybe.  But what we need is some
              good reality reality.
    
    VOTER 2 enters.
    
                          VICTOR
              Hello.  Vote Victor for sheriff!
    
                          VOTER 2
              I'm sorry, but the prophet of the
              lord appeared to me in a vision and
              told me only to vote for the Crazy
              Party.
    
                          MARISOL
              This vision that the prophet
              appeared in.  Did it happen to be a
              tele-vision?
    
                          VOTER 2
              Yes.  It was the Prophet of the
              Lord show.  It's on every Sunday. 
              He tells us all about how the lord
              is angry that the world is being
              ruined by big-government east coast
              intellectuals, and that the
              end-times are upon us, as they have
              been for the last hundred years. 
              But this time, he's pretty sure
              that if someone elects a
              big-government east coast
              intellectual, it will be the actual
              end of the world this time.  He's
              sure of it.
    
    VOTER 2 exits.
    
                          VICTOR
              Luis, do you watch that show too?
    
                          LUIS
              No, I prefer reality television.  I
              don't know what world those
              preachers are talking about, but
              it's definitely not the real world.
    
                          VICTOR
              Well, I only need one vote, right? 
              I'll just go in there and vote for
              myself, by gum.
    
    VICTOR exits, to voting booth.
    
                          LUIS
              All right, so that's that, then. 
              My first successful campaign as
              campaign manager.
    
    VICTOR enters.
    
                          MARISOL
              Congratulations, dad!
    
                          VICTOR
              Um... It didn't let me vote.  It
              said I don't match my photo ID.
    
                          MARISOL
              Did you explain to it that you died
              and were resurrected as a
              cybernetic dog, but it's still your
              mind in there?
    
                          VICTOR
              Strangely, I don't think the voting
              booth was programmed to care about
              that.
    
                          LUIS
              Well, I can't have my career as a
              campaign manager end in shame. 
              I'll go in there and vote for you!
    
                          VICTOR
              All right, thanks, partner.
    
    LUIS exits.
    
                          MARISOL
              So, what are you going to do as
              sheriff?
    
                          VICTOR
              I don't know yet.  No government
              position or office has been funded
              since the last and permanent
              government shutdown, but I hope I
              can at least use the office
              symbolically, to remind people of
              the rule of law and democracy.
    
    LUIS enters.
    
                          LUIS
              So, apparently you have to register
              ahead of time to vote?
    
                          VICTOR
              Yeah, remember when I told you I
              was going to register to vote and
              that you should too?
    
                          LUIS
              Hmm, I think I remember something
              about that.  But then someone on
              the cloud said that season 3 of
              Throne of Blood was better than
              season 2, so I tried to gently
              correct them, but they said that
              they thought I just had a different
              opinion from them, but I don't
              know, it was like that guy was
              watching a completely different
              show from me.  There's no way a
              reasonable person could come to the
              conclusion that they did.  So I
              compared them to the Blood Emperor
              from the show, who rules by deceit,
              and they compared me to actual mass
              murderers from history, and that
              got us banned from the forum.
    
                          VICTOR
              Well, at least you spent your time
              well?
    
                          LUIS
              Yeah, I basically won that
              argument.  You know the rule: 
              Compare someone to a mass murderer,
              you automatically lose.  Of course,
              that person didn't agree with me
              when I pointed that out.
    
                          MARISOL
              I thought you said you were banned
              from the forum.
    
                          LUIS
              Yeah, we took the argument to
              another one, because this was an
              important matter to settle.  We
              weren't going to let a little
              setback like that stop us.
    
                          MARISOL
              But don't you think it was maybe
              more important to register to vote?
    
                          LUIS
              Eh, what's the big deal?  No matter
              who wins, nothing ever changes.
    
                          VICTOR
              Then why were you my campaign
              manager?
    
                          LUIS
              I-- oh.  Right.  Oops, that was
              just my reflex reaction.  I kinda
              forgot you were in this race.  But,
              like, have you even SEEN season 3? 
              My favorite character isn't even in
              it!
    
                          VICTOR
              Well, that's it, then, isn't it? 
              The two of us can't vote, and
              Marisol, you and Andy are too young
              to vote.  I guess we just have to
              wait and see if any random person
              happens to want to vote for someone
              that's not in the Crazy Party.
    
                          MARISOL
              What about all those people that
              signed your petition?  Where are
              they?
    
                          LUIS
              Man, that video I posted was like
              two weeks ago!  So much has
              happened since then.  Look, this
              cat totally sounds like it's
              talking!
    
    LUIS holds up phone.  We hear the sound of a cat that
    definitely does not sound like it's talking.
    
                          LUIS
              Haha, did you hear that?  It
              totally said "Give me a bowl of
              jello.  I will eat your face". 
              Hilarious!
    
    VICTOR growls.
    
                          LUIS
              Oh, right.  Cats.  Sorry about
              that, man.  I didn't mean to, like,
              disrespect your culture or
              whatever.
    
                          VICTOR
              Sorry.  That was just my reflex
              reaction.
    
                          MARISOL
              So now we just have to hope that
              someone out there is not glued to
              social media, is interested in
              politics, but is not taken in by
              the Crazy Party.
    
                          LUIS
              That's a tall order.  Social media
              is pretty entertaining.
    
    NORA enters.
    
                          VICTOR
              Nora?
    
                          NORA
              Why, hello.  Is this the polling
              place?
    
                          VICTOR
              Um, yes.  Remember to vote Victor
              for sheriff.
    
                          NORA
              Of course.  That's the whole reason
              I'm here.
    
                          VICTOR
              You believe in my cause?  Wow,
              Nora.  That's really touching. 
              Here, I thought we were enemies.
    
                          NORA
              Oh, we are.  With you elected as
              sheriff, you'll have less time to
              bother me!  This campaign was great
              for me.  I got a whole fleet of
              killer robots out.  You stopped
              them this time, but maybe next time
              you won't!  So I'm just gonna go
              vote Victor for sheriff!
    
    NORA exits.
    
                          VICTOR
              Er ... wait.
    
                          MARISOL
              Dad, just let her vote for you. 
              Then we can figure out what to do
              next.
    
                          VICTOR
              I guess you're right.  And hey,
              once I'm sheriff, protecting people
              from her - and from the
              corporations - will not just be a
              hobby - it'll be my job!
    
                          LUIS
              Though, not in the sense that
              anybody is paying you to do it, or
              funding your activities in any way.
    
                          VICTOR
              Right.
    
                          MARISOL
              The last and permanent government
              shutdown.
    
                          VICTOR
              But it'll be a clear mandate from
              the people!
    
                          LUIS
              It'll be a clear mandate from Nora,
              who was the only person to vote for
              you.
    
                          VICTOR
              So, it'll be a clear mandate from
              Nora that I should protect people
              from her?
    
    NORA enters.
    
                          NORA
              And from the corporations.  With a
              heavy emphasis on protecting people
              from the corporations, and ideally
              a very, very light emphasis on
              protecting people from me.  We both
              hate the hold that the corporations
              have on the people.  Why can't we
              just work together?
    
                          VICTOR
              Because your methods got me killed.
    
                          NORA
              It's always something with you,
              isn't it?
    
                          VICTOR
              Yeah, no, it's pretty much always
              that.
    
                          NORA
              Well, whatever.  Congratulations,
              Mr. Sheriff.  If we can't work
              together, at least maybe we can
              work separately.  Like, REALLY
              separately.
    
                          VICTOR
              Well, thank you for your vote.
    
                          NORA
              No problem.  Well, I'll see you
              around.  But hopefully, actually
              not.
    
    NORA exits.
    
                          MARISOL
              Wow, congratulations, dad!  You're
              the new sheriff!
    
                          LUIS
              I think this calls for a DANCE
              PARTY!
    
    Puppet dance jam!  Bring as many puppets as we can onstage. 
    Pop up hand puppets, too.  During the dance, Victor pops his
    helicopter rotor out and flies around.
    
    Killer drone robot flies in.
    
                          KILLER DRONE ROBOT
              I have received new instructions. 
              I am now programmed to party!
    
    Curtain.
    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to canon, he's a dog and a helicopter *and a cop*. I had to come up with a way to make him be a cop and a good guy.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to call this "Dogcopter: Origins", but I kinda wanted to leave the Steven Universe connection as a surprise. For the same reason, I didn't tag Dogcopter as a character in this. I may change that after awhile. I'm working on further "episodes" of Dogcopter's adventures.


End file.
